Rainbows, Sunshower, and Everything in Between

As I think about this blog, I am more and more convinced that I am doing this for my younger self. The young girl who had no worries in the world, except when she was going to go play with Addie Lynn and Olivia. The young girl who loved playing with her American Girl Dolls and treating them with such love and care. The young girl who still believed in the magic of Santa and who saw my mom waiting for us every Christmas morning, even more excited than us. The young girl who did not know what was to come in life or how she would struggle at times. And finally, the young girl who has always put others first, even if it meant harming my own well-being. This website is not only for myself, but for anyone who may (or may not) struggle in silence. It is for those who maybe want someone to relate to. And as much as I hope no one can relate to my struggling, I know that is not true.

I am beginning my very first blog with the explanation of my title. I will start with the word “sunshower.” You may or may not have heard of the word sunshower. I came across this word last year in my poetry class and I instantly became fascinated with this poem. So fascinated, in fact, that I wrote a whole essay on it. This poem is written by Natalie Shapero and I will insert a few excerpts from my essay to set the scene— When reading the poem “Sunshower” by Natalie Shapero, I found myself digging deeper and deeper into the meaning each time. I did not find myself reading a different story each time, but the words and meanings only grew in strength. I feel the sense of hopelessness she conveys in the poem when she says that the “devil won’t need to be sorry” (7). Shapero carefully chooses the word won’t in this line, instead of using a less direct word, like should not or would not. By including the will not, Shapero is directly alluding towards the lack of the devil’s remorse on his actions. Based on the use of the will not modal verb, the abusive man in this poem has no regrets or sympathy for the woman he is holding power over and does not need to have any. Shapero displays this idea of society’s acceptation of the man’s actions by using this verb— So why use the heavy connotation of the word sunshower in my title? I thankfully can not relate to Shapero on this subject, but I do think this word applies to numerous situations. When I think of the word sunshower, I think of myself freshman year. The “sun” in my life was my “brave face” I was putting on for others. Always answering questions about how my day is or how college is going with “Great! I am loving it!” I in fact was not doing great, but I did not want to place my burdens on others shoulders. On the inside, the “shower” part of sunshower was a more real version of myself. On the outside, I looked like I was thriving and having so much fun, but I was crumbling slowly on the inside. You may say “Carolyne…you should have asked for help. You should have talked to your friends.” I mean…you are right. But at the time, I was not brave enough or strong enough to ask others for help. I did not view asking for help as a strength, but something that made myself weak. How could I not be able to handle my OWN feelings? Why couldn’t I just be honest when answering how I was doing? I have always been a person to take on more myself to save others from any burdens or stress. At this point in my life, I would have done anything to make sure no one was worried about me. I did not want to place my heaviness on any one else’s shoulders. Do you know what I did instead? I took on more and more burdens from my surrounding. I absolutely love helping others in any way I can, but looking back, I took on more that I could handle to push my feelings down and ignore them. Spoiler alert…NOT SMART! I will go more into details in another blog, but for now, just know that I am not proud of doing this. I am not proud of not handling my feelings proactively instead of waiting until I was at my breaking point. I am not mad at my past self though. I understand and I forgive myself. I was a completely different person then. So back to my title. You now know that for me, sunshower symbolizes my inner struggle, but outer “strength.” I would not really consider that a strength, but for this point, I wanted to appear emotionally strong for others.

The sunshine portion of my title is a more happier note. This symbolizes the proudness I feel for myself, my highest highs, and finally being happy and confident in myself. Thsi blog is unstructured, not planned, and just my thoughts on different topics. So stay! Or don’t stay! I understand. I just hope my blog reaches at least one person who may have the same feelings as me. I had always felt different from others growing up. I still remember being called a goody two shoes in elementary school. I realized that others viewed me differently because of my constant strive to make my family proud and make a name for myself. My goal in life has always been to be kind and share my love with anyone I come across. So maybe I was a “goody two shoes,” but what does that even mean? I hate to say that that stuck with me for a long time, but I have learned to laugh it off. Words stay. Words hurt. The more you think about words said about you or to you, the more you believe them. You know what’s funny? The negative words stick in our brains like gorilla glue, but where do the positive words go? We try to convince ourself they are true. We try to hold on to them. We try…You can’t believe what others say unless you believe it yourself first. You can’t love others in the way they deserve unless you know how to love yourself first.